Embracing Uncertainty: Letting Go of Control for Better Mental Health
Ever feel like you’re holding on so tightly to every detail of your life that it’s starting to feel like a full-time job? You’re not alone. Many of us, especially in fast-paced environments like New York, struggle with the urge to control every outcome, which often fuels our anxiety. It can be especially tough when part of you knows that control isn’t helping, but the thought of letting go feels daunting and uncertain.
Recognizing how this need for control impacts your life is the first step toward making a change. The stress it places on your body, mind, and relationships can be overwhelming. Therapy for perfectionism offers practical tools to help you ease into embracing uncertainty and creating a healthier balance. If you’ve found it hard to release control, you know it’s not as simple as just acknowledging the problem—but with support, real change is possible.
Understanding the Need for Control
Why We Crave Control
For many of us, the need for control feels like it’s always been there. For some, it may stem from a specific event, while for many others, it’s a pattern that’s developed over time. Reflecting on your past can offer valuable insights into why you feel the need to control everything. If you’ve experienced trauma, grown up in a demanding environment, or had minimal guidance throughout your life, it’s natural to seek control as a way to manage what feels uncontrollable. In today’s competitive world, the pressure to appear successful can intensify this need. Women, in particular, often face conflicting societal messages about their roles and the level of control they should have over their lives.
How Control Affects Us
Holding onto control can significantly impact different areas of your life. It can be hard to keep your emotions in check when things don’t go as planned, and the constant stress can make it difficult to trust yourself and your decisions. This stress often shows up physically, like tight shoulders or frequent illnesses. Additionally, burnout can result from spending too much mental energy on managing outcomes. Relationships may suffer too—when we’re overly focused on control, we can become less flexible and open with friends, and setting high standards for ourselves often leads to doing so with others. Recognizing these effects is a necessary step towards creating a healthier, more balanced approach to life.
Recognizing Patterns of Control
Sometimes issues with control are obvious, but they can also sneak up on us in subtle ways. For example, micromanaging and difficulty delegating can show up at work or home, especially for women who feel the weight of responsibility. It’s easy to dismiss these behaviors as “necessary.” You might find yourself frequently checking in others or taking over tasks to meet your exact standards. Over-planning, perfectionism, and a fear of vulnerability are also common signs that you might be struggling with control—these can signal a lack of trust in your ability to handle things if they don’t go as planned, or a fear of being seen as flawed. Difficulty relaxing and frequent worrying can indicate a struggle with control too, making it hard to enjoy the present moment. Identifying these patterns is key to starting your journey towards a more flexible approach to life. This is where online therapy for perfectionism in New York can be beneficial.
Strategies for Letting Go of Control
Acknowledge How Control Impacts Your Life – Let’s start by getting real about why change can be so tough. Take a moment to think about how your need for control affects your life. How does it impact your well-being, relationships, and overall happiness? Understanding this can help you build the motivation you need to start making changes and working towards a healthier balance.
Identify Your Values – Let’s get clear on what really matters to you. Spend some time figuring out your core values. Knowing what you truly care about can guide your decisions and help you let go of control in a way that feels meaningful and aligned with who you are. Working with a therapist for perfectionism can help you become clear on what really matters to you.
Mindfulness and Acceptance – Mindfulness is all about staying present and accepting what you can’t control—perfect for easing perfectionism anxiety. Try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This practice helps ground you in the moment and makes embracing uncertainty a bit easier.
Setting Boundaries – Setting boundaries isn’t just for dealing with others—you can set boundaries with yourself too. Practice setting limits on how long you’ll spend on tasks or give yourself permission to say “no” when needed. If you struggle with people-pleasing, setting boundaries can be difficult at first but ultimately helps you avoid burnout and manage expectations more effectively.
Delegation and Trust – Letting others take the reins can be challenging, but it’s key to easing control. Allow people to make mistakes and learn from them—mistakes are part of growth. Trust that others can handle tasks, even if it means they’re not perfect right away. It’s all about giving them a chance to show their capabilities.
Self-Compassion – Our inner critic can be pretty harsh. Practice replacing self-critical thoughts with self-compassionate ones. For instance, instead of “I’m a failure if this isn’t perfect,” try “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.” Remember, being kind to yourself is way more effective than beating yourself up, so practicing self-compassion is an important part of breaking out of the cycle you’re stuck in.
Cognitive Restructuring – Start paying attention to those perfectionistic or control-driven thoughts. Ask yourself if they’re based on solid facts or just assumptions. For example, question whether “everything will fall apart if I don’t oversee every detail” is really true. Practice replacing thoughts like “Everything must be perfect” with something like “Perfection isn’t realistic. Doing my best is enough.” Focus on what’s going well or what you’ve learned, and notice your ability to handle situations even without total control.
Start Small - Big changes can feel overwhelming, so start with small, manageable steps. Pick one area of your life where you feel the need to control and choose a tiny action you can take to loosen up a bit. Maybe it’s letting a coworker handle a small project, giving yourself a set time limit for a task, or even putting away your laundry imperfectly. Small victories build confidence and make it easier to tackle bigger changes over time.
Journal Prompts
Where did I first notice control showing up in my life?
Reflect on the earliest moments when you became aware of your need to control situations or outcomes. What were the circumstances, and how did it affect you?Who else in my life has these patterns of control?
Think about the people around you who also struggle with control. How do their behaviors mirror or differ from your own? How does it feel to see them in these same patterns? How do these patterns impact their relationships, or your relationship with them?What imagined standards do I have for myself?
Explore the expectations you’ve set for yourself that may be contributing to your need for control. Are these standards realistic, or are they putting undue pressure on you?What would my life look like if I didn’t take such control?
Picture two scenarios: one where you let go of control and embrace a more relaxed approach, and another where your worst fears come true. Now, think about a more likely, balanced outcome. How does each scenario make you feel?What am I afraid will happen if I let go of control?
Dive into your fears about releasing control. What specific outcomes are you worried about? How might these fears be holding you back from experiencing more freedom and peace?What would I gain in my life if I didn’t focus so much on taking control?
Consider the potential benefits of loosening your grip on control. How might your life improve if you shifted your focus away from managing every detail? What new opportunities or experiences could arise?What would I lose if I didn’t focus so much on taking control?
Think about what you might feel you’re giving up by letting go of control. Are there aspects of your current way of managing things that you’re worried about losing?What does it mean to me to have control?
Reflect on the deeper significance of control in your life. What does having control symbolize for you? How does it affect your sense of security and identity?What does control do for me in my life?
Reflect on the roles that control plays in your daily life. How does it serve you, and what purpose does it fulfill?What are the positive aspects of my control tendencies?
Consider the ways in which your need for control has been beneficial. How has it helped you achieve goals or maintain order? Recognizing these positive aspects can provide a balanced view and help you find other ways to retain these benefits without excessive control.
Letting go of control, especially if it’s been a big part of your life for a long time, can feel a bit overwhelming at first. That’s completely normal! Change takes time, and therapy for perfectionism can help you move at your own pace. Celebrate each small step you take towards finding more balance—every little bit counts.
Let Go of Control With Therapy for Perfectionism In New York
If you’re finding it tough to let go of control and could use some support, I’m here to help. I’m Adina Babad, a therapist for perfectionism who also specializes in anxiety, burnout, and people-pleasing. I offer personalized therapy to help you loosen that tight grip on control, guiding you toward a life filled with balance, self-acceptance, and true fulfillment. Together, at my Garden City-based practice, we can create a path that respects your drive while building resilience and joy. Reach out today to start this journey toward a more empowered and free life.
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Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connection Counseling
As a therapist for perfectionism, I know that perfectionism often coincides with other struggles. That’s why I offer more than just Therapy for Perfectionism, so you can find comprehensive support in one place. I also specialize in Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Burnout, and Therapy for People-Pleasing. Since we might explore several of these challenges together, I’m here to support you every step of the way with personalized care and understanding. This is a space for you to find growth, healing, and the chance to truly thrive.