Why Feedback Feels Like Criticism to Anxious Perfectionists
Have you ever had that moment when someone gives you feedback, and even though some of it is positive, all you can focus on is the part that wasn’t so great? Maybe your heart races, your mind starts spinning, and you can’t help but feel like you’ve messed up. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
As an online therapist for perfectionism who works with anxious perfectionists, I see this happen all the time. Feedback—no matter how well-intentioned—can feel personal. If you already hold yourself to high standards, it’s easy to assume others are judging you the same way.
Let’s break down why feedback can feel like criticism for anxious perfectionists, how perfectionism and anxiety fuel this reaction, and how it can create an emotional spiral.
Feedback vs. Criticism: Why They Feel the Same for Anxious Perfectionists
Feedback is meant to help us grow, pointing out what we’re doing well and where we can improve. Ideally, it’s constructive and supportive. It’s not meant to tear us down—it’s just information.
Criticism, on the other hand, tends to focus more on what’s wrong. It’s harsher, more judgmental, and usually doesn’t give guidance on improvement. It can make us feel small or like we’ve failed.
But for anxious perfectionists, the line between feedback and criticism can get blurry. Perfectionists often carry a heightened sense of responsibility, so when feedback is given, it’s easy to take it personally. Any sign of imperfection, even if it’s just a suggestion for growth, can feel like a failure. This immediately puts us on edge, because our minds jump to the worst-case scenario: If it’s not perfect, it must be bad—which often translates in our minds to “I’m not enough.”
The fact that someone else is giving this feedback adds another layer. It feels like they’re noticing our flaws and judging us. It can quickly turn into a feeling of criticism—like they’re telling us we’ve done something wrong or, worse, that we’re just not good enough. For some, this triggers internal defensiveness or harsh self-criticism, while for others, it sparks an external response where they immediately try to defend themselves.
For example, imagine your manager gives feedback on a project you worked really hard on. They mention some areas you did well, and also point out things that need improvement. If you’re able to see this as just feedback, you might feel a little sting but take it as a chance to learn and grow. But if it feels like criticism, you might ignore the positive parts and focus solely on the areas that need work, convincing yourself you didn’t measure up.
The Inner Critic’s Role: How Perfectionism Distorts Feedback
The inner critic uses a harsh voice to remind us we’re not enough. Whether it’s feedback, a mistake, or a tough day, it reinforces the narrative that we’ve messed up and should’ve done better.
When you get feedback—whether it's constructive or neutral—the inner critic jumps in. It takes any mention of improvement, or even a simple request, and turns it into a personal judgment. For example, your partner might ask to plan a date night because you haven’t spent much time together lately. Instead of interpreting it as a desire for connection, offering a reminder of what’s important to both of you, your inner critic might tell you, “I’m not living up to their expectations” or “I’m a bad partner.” The feedback becomes about something much bigger than the task itself—it feels like a reflection of your worth.
For anxious perfectionists, feedback isn’t just about the thing that needs improvement. The inner critic convinces us that if we were truly “good enough,” we wouldn’t need any feedback at all. Even positive or neutral comments can feel like a personal attack on our worth. But feedback is just information. When the inner critic filters it, it feels like a judgment on who we are, not just what we did.
The inner critic doesn’t just make us defensive—it makes us doubt ourselves. It tells us, “If I were good enough, I wouldn’t need to improve,” or “I’m just not cut out for this.” It’s exhausting because it makes receiving feedback feel like a battle. But feedback is meant to help us grow—not to prove we’re flawed, and online therapy for perfectionism can help you shift that perspective, making feedback feel less like a threat and more like an opportunity for growth
Anxiety and Feedback Sensitivity: The Emotional Spiral
For many people, feedback can trigger immediate feelings of anxiety. Your heart might race, your muscles tense, or you might notice your face flush. Your thoughts may start to spiral too—wondering if you've done enough, if you’ve made a big mistake, or if you’re failing in some way.
For anxious perfectionists, feedback feels like confirmation that something went terribly wrong. You might replay it over and over, overthinking every word and tone. Instead of thinking about how to move forward or improve, you might catastrophize—imagining worst-case scenarios, like losing your job or disappointing someone important. You might even throw yourself into overworking to "make up" for what you think you’ve done wrong, or procrastinate in fear of making another mistake.
Anxiety tells us that mistakes are proof we’re not good enough. But feedback is a chance to grow. We can’t avoid it or mistakes forever, and overthinking doesn’t change the outcome. Learning to embrace feedback as part of the process—instead of fearing it—makes all the difference, and working with an online therapist for perfectionism can help you build the confidence to navigate feedback with less anxiety and self-doubt.
A Different Perspective: Feedback as a Tool, Not a Judgment
It’s completely normal to feel uncomfortable with feedback, especially when we hold ourselves to such high standards. But ultimately, feedback is a normal part of life. It’s something we all experience, and it can help us grow—personally, professionally, and in our relationships.
Shifting the way we view feedback can be tough and takes time, but with practice, we can develop a healthier relationship with it. Therapy for anxious perfectionists can provide support in reframing feedback and using techniques like mindfulness to help ease the perfectionism anxiety that often comes with it. And you don’t have to be aiming for perfection to benefit from feedback either—it’s just another opportunity to learn, improve, and become a better version of yourself.
For more tips on embracing mistakes and shifting your mindset, check out my other blog post, From Anxiety to Growth: How Perfectionists Can Learn to Embrace Mistakes.
Looking for Extra Support? Therapy for Perfectionism in New York Can Help!
If feedback feels more like a personal attack than a chance to grow, I’m here to help. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and therapist for perfectionism specializing in anxiety and perfectionism, I offer online therapy for anxious perfectionists navigate feedback without the overwhelming self-doubt and stress. Together, at my Garden City-based practice, we can work on reframing feedback, reducing the emotional impact of mistakes, and building healthier coping strategies—so you can thrive both personally and professionally. Let’s create a path to growth that respects your ambitions without sacrificing your well-being.
Learn more about me and my services
Break free from perfectionism and develop a more balanced relationship with feedback
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connections Counseling
Feedback can feel deeply personal when you struggle with perfectionism, turning even constructive comments into a source of anxiety and self-doubt. As an online therapist for perfectionism in New York, I understand how these challenges often go hand in hand with anxiety, burnout, and people-pleasing, making it difficult to trust yourself and separate your worth from external validation. That’s why I offer more than Therapy for Perfectionism—I also provide Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Burnout, and Therapy for People-Pleasing to support you in breaking free from these patterns. If feedback feels like criticism or mistakes feel unbearable, I’m here to help you build self-compassion, shift your mindset, and find confidence beyond perfectionism. Together, we can create a space where you feel safe to grow, embrace imperfection, and step into a more balanced, fulfilling life.