The Gift of Saying No: How People-Pleasers Can Find Balance This Holiday Season
With the holidays around the corner, you might be feeling a mix of excitement, overwhelm, and stress. Holiday gatherings, budgeting for gifts, keeping up with invites, and trying to squeeze in every visit—often without thinking about what you need—can sometimes hit you all at once. For people who struggle with people-pleasing and anxiety, this time of year can feel especially overwhelming, with everyone expecting something and seemingly no room to say “no.” Between family, perhaps a partner’s family, friends, and work, there’s a lot to juggle.
Even as a therapist, I know how easy it is to overcommit during the holidays.
When you’re so focused on caring for others, you may miss one of the best gifts you could give yourself this season: saying “no.” It can be a powerful way to set boundaries and take care of yourself, especially for those with people-pleasing tendencies. Let’s explore why saying “no” can feel so hard this time of year and some therapist-backed strategies to help:
Why Does Saying “No” Feel Even Harder Around the Holidays?
For many of us, saying “no” can feel especially tough during the holiday season—even for people who are usually more comfortable setting boundaries. With so many opportunities, expectations, and chances to make memories, it’s easy to feel pulled in different directions. Here are a few reasons why turning down invitations or requests might feel more challenging this time of year:
So Many Options: Between gatherings, gift exchanges, and other experiences, the holidays bring a lot of chances to connect. Even for those who thrive on planning, it’s easy to get overexcited, overwhelmed, or just lose track of how much you’re committing to.
More People and More Decisions: The sheer volume of events and requests tends to spike around the holidays. Family, friends, colleagues—everyone wants to get together, so the decision to say no comes up more often than usual.
Pressure to “Make the Most of It”: Many people feel pressure not to “waste” the holiday season. This mindset can backfire, whether you’re visiting from out of town and trying to squeeze in too much to make the most of your trip, or you’re home but have an overly packed schedule with no time or energy for basic self-care.
Higher Expectations: With family, friends, and even work placing more emphasis on celebrations, it’s natural to feel an internal push to meet these expectations and prioritize time with loved ones—even if it means stretching yourself thin.
Finding (and Testing) Your Limits: If you’re not used to saying no, the holiday season can be a crash course in setting limits while juggling commitments. Add to this the guilt that comes from wanting to spend more time with people, and it’s a recipe for overcommitment.
It’s Easy to Rationalize Overcommitment: “It’s only once a year” can feel like a great reason to keep saying yes, but this mindset can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and burnout if you’re not careful.
Avoidance: The holidays can bring up difficult feelings, and keeping busy by saying “yes” to everything can be an easy way to avoid them.
A Case for Saying “No”
Consider the cost when you say “yes” to too many things. Are you able to fully enjoy the activities you commit to? Or do you find yourself feeling irritable or too tired to spend time with loved ones—or even take care of yourself?
Often, we give up more than we realize when we overcommit. For some, this means coming home irritable or feeling too drained to connect with family or partners. For others, it might mean ending up so exhausted that their time off is spent mindlessly binge-watching shows or scrolling social media, instead of engaging in activities that genuinely bring joy. And when we say “yes” too often, we may find ourselves distracted at gatherings, unable to stay fully present because we’re already thinking about the next obligation.
I’m not suggesting saying “no” to everything—you should enjoy your holiday season! But thoughtfully choosing a few “no’s” can help you find more joy in what you do say “yes” to. The less stretched thin you feel, the more you can be present and soak in the good moments.
Therapist-Backed Tips for Saying “No” During the Holiday Season
Identify Your Limits Now: Think about your typical capacity—how much you can realistically handle in a day or week. Use this to help determine what you can say “yes” to, and establish an ideal limit and a realistic one that won’t lead to burnout.
Prioritize What Matters Most: Identify which activities or relationships are most important to you. Who or what are the definite yeses?
Prepare for Setting Boundaries: You can find some tips on preparing for those tough “no”s here. If you find it helpful, you can also come up with a script to ease the pressure in the moment.
Practice with Someone You Trust: Try rehearsing your “no” or a boundary-setting script with a friend or partner, especially if this is new territory for you, to get more confident in your delivery and get used to how it feels.
Reframe Saying “No” as Self-Care: Remember, “no” can often be a step toward caring for your mental well-being and energy. You can also reframe “no” as a way to make the most of the commitments you say “yes” to.
Consider a “No, But…” Approach: If a full “no” feels too difficult, offer alternatives. For example, you could attend part of an event or let the other person know you’ll think about it first and get back to them.
Create Your Holiday “Yes” List: If saying “no” feels tough, start by thinking instead about what you’d like to say “yes” to. Does it mean saying yes to rest, more time with a partner or close friend, or quiet mornings with a cozy book?
Saying “no” can feel challenging around the holidays, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. But this season is an opportunity to practice caring for yourself by setting boundaries. You don’t have to get it perfect, either! Think of this as a practice run for future holidays—and for the rest of the year.
Ready for a More Joyful Holiday Season? Therapy for People-Pleasing in New York Can Help!
If you’re ready to enjoy a more peaceful, fulfilling holiday season without the stress of people-pleasing, I’m here to support you. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor specializing in helping anxious, burned-out people-pleasers, I offer therapy tailored to help you set boundaries and prioritize your well-being. Reach out today to take the first step toward a more joyful holiday season.