The Connection Between Perfectionism and People-Pleasing: Understanding the Drive to Be “Perfect” for Others

Do you feel like you’re stuck in an endless struggle to meet everyone’s expectations—including your own? On their own, perfectionism and people-pleasing can be exhausting enough—but together, they create a cycle that’s even harder to break. It’s no wonder this feels overwhelming.

These patterns often show up early in our lives, becoming second nature over time. Therapy for perfectionism in Queens and throughout New York can help you start untangling these tendencies by exploring their roots and creating a path toward change. But understanding why you feel this way—why you feel the need to be “perfect” for others—can be the first step towards breaking free.

Let’s dive into how perfectionism and people-pleasing feed off each other, where these tendencies come from, and, most importantly, what you can do to start shifting towards a healthier, more compassionate way of living.

How Are People-Pleasing and Perfectionism Connected?

At their core, both perfectionism and people-pleasing are about seeking approval and avoiding judgment. They often come from a belief that you’re not inherently good enough, paired with a fear that you can’t handle the discomfort of others being upset with you or thinking less of you. For many struggling with perfectionism anxiety, these patterns can feel particularly overwhelming in fast-paced, high-pressure environments.

People-pleasing often involves tying your worth to how much you do for others or how well you meet their expectations. Perfectionism takes this further, setting unattainable, often rigid internal standards that push you to prove yourself again and again.

These two tendencies often reinforce one another. For example:

• A people-pleaser might think, “If I don’t do this just right, they’ll be upset, and I won’t know how to handle it.”

• A perfectionist might worry, “If I don’t meet this high standard, they’ll think less of me, and I can’t let that happen.”

The result is a cycle of overextending yourself, driven by fear of letting others down or facing criticism. Working with a therapist for perfectionism can provide tools to break this cycle and build resilience against these pressures.

Where Do These Patterns Come From?

Family Dynamics

Growing up, were you praised for being the “responsible one” or “the strong one,” or were you expected to keep the peace in a chaotic household? Messages like these can stick with us, shaping our roles in adulthood. Maybe you learned early on that being helpful, dependable, or even invisible was the safest or most rewarding choice. It’s tough to break away from these expectations, especially if they’ve been reinforced over time, even if they no longer serve you.

For an anxious perfectionist, family expectations might feel even more amplified, with added pressure to succeed and maintain the roles assigned to you. Stepping back from these roles can feel daunting, especially when family members expect you to stay the same. It can feel scary to think about doing something different—uncertainty about how others will react, fear of disapproval, or even knowing that you’ll face pushback can make it easier to stick with family norms. For some, it’s not just fear of disappointing family but also guilt over disrupting long-standing dynamics.

Cultural and Societal Pressures

Cultural values often emphasize putting others first, which can make it feel selfish to prioritize your own needs. In some cultures, the focus on community may lead to unspoken expectations of self-sacrifice. For immigrants or children of immigrants, this is often paired with added pressure to succeed and avoid “rocking the boat,” especially when family well-being feels tied to their performance.

In our culture in the US, among many others, societal norms push us to overachieve to prove our worth, which can often lead to anxiety and people-pleasing. Women, for instance, often face mixed messages about caregiving, appearance, and self-sacrifice, while people of marginalized genders, sexualities, and racial backgrounds face unique pressures to conform or avoid judgment. These expectations can make it harder to feel worthy simply for being yourself, rather than for what you do for others.

Validation and Early Experiences

Were you praised for being “good” or for excelling in school as a kid? External validation can condition us to keep chasing approval, often at the expense of listening to our own needs. Over time, this can create a cycle where your self-worth depends on how well you perform or how much you please others.

On the other side, negative experiences like bullying, losing friendships, or feeling like an outsider may push us to overcompensate, prioritizing avoiding conflict or rejection in the future. If criticism or rejection felt overwhelming, you might have learned to prioritize others’ happiness over your own, in an attempt to prevent similar situations from happening again. If this resonates, working with an online therapist for perfectionism in New York can help you explore these patterns and develop tools to shift toward self-compassion.

The Need for External Validation and the Inner Critic

Perfectionists and people-pleasers often rely on external validation to feel secure, but that approval doesn’t last long. Fear of rejection or judgment can lead to overcompensating, constantly focusing on meeting others’ expectations in a way that feels safe but ultimately leaves little room to understand or prioritize your own needs.

The inner critic—that harsh, judgmental voice—thrives when we don’t feel like we’re “enough.” It convinces us we need to do more, be more, or prove ourselves endlessly to avoid disappointing or upsetting others. Even when we get that validation, it can feel short-lived, often dismissed by the inner critic or overshadowed by fears of making a mistake later and dealing with disapproval. And without external validation, that critical voice tends to get louder, which reinforces the belief that if no one is praising us, we must be doing something wrong.

This cycle keeps us stuck, with perfectionism and people-pleasing feeding off one another. It becomes harder to trust ourselves or feel worthy on our own terms, leaving us dependent on others’ approval to temporarily quiet our internal self-doubt.

How These Patterns Affect Your Life

When perfectionism and people-pleasing aren’t addressed, they can lead to:

• Chronic self-sacrifice, leaving little room for self-care.

• Low self-worth and consistent self-criticism.

• Struggles with authenticity, which can strain relationships.

• Heightened anxiety and burnout.

These patterns don’t just impact your mental health—they also take your energy and joy, leaving you feeling disconnected from yourself and others.

Breaking Free: Setting Boundaries and Embracing Imperfection

Breaking the cycle of perfectionism and people-pleasing involves two powerful shifts: setting boundaries and embracing imperfection. While prioritizing yourself might initially feel counterintuitive if you’re used to prioritizing showing up for others, boundaries protect your energy and affirm that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s.

Setting boundaries isn’t about withdrawing from others—it’s about finding balance. By creating space for yourself, you gain the energy to learn what truly brings you joy and deepen your sense of self-worth. Think of it not just as a way to "fill your cup" for others, but as a way to show yourself that you’re valuable—worthy of care and respect, even from yourself.

Similarly, embracing imperfection allows you to connect more authentically with others. Contrary to what that perfectionistic voice tells you, letting go of the need to be “perfect” tends to strengthen relationships by creating openness, understanding, and trust. Accepting “good enough” can bring a surprising sense of relief, freeing you from daily pressures and leaving room for more joy, confidence, and freedom in your life.

These shifts may feel uncomfortable at first, but with practice, they can lead to a healthier, more balanced way of living. For more insights and strategies, check out Mastering Boundary Setting and Embracing Vulnerability.

Healing Through Self-Compassion and Authenticity

Breaking free from perfectionism and people-pleasing isn’t about perfecting the process—it’s about practicing self-compassion and allowing yourself to be human. Mistakes, limits, and moments of uncertainty are all part of the human experience, not evidence of failure.

Often, we think we need to build confidence first, but true confidence comes from practicing self-compassion, taking steps that align with your needs and goals, and opening up to others authentically. These steps help reinforce that you’re enough, exactly as you are.

This process takes time, but every small step leads to a life that feels more authentic, less pressured, and more connected. If you’re ready to start but feel uncertain about how to begin, therapy for perfectionism can provide guidance and support along the way.

Looking for Extra Support? Therapy for Perfectionism and People-Pleasing in New York Can Help!

The pressure to be “perfect” for others can leave you feeling drained and disconnected from your own needs. But it doesn’t have to be this way. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and therapist for perfectionism in New York, I offer personalized online therapy for perfectionism and people-pleasing. Together, we can work to help you set boundaries, build self-worth, and create a life that feels more authentic and fulfilling. Reach out today to start your journey toward freedom from these patterns.

• Schedule a consultation with me

• Learn more about me and my services

• Let go of perfectionism and discover the joy of embracing your true self!

Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connection Counseling

Perfectionism and people-pleasing often go hand in hand, creating patterns that can feel impossible to break. As an online therapist for perfectionism in Queens & throughout New York, I understand how these struggles can overlap with challenges like anxiety and burnout, impacting your ability to feel at ease in your life. That’s why I offer more than Therapy for Perfectionism, providing support for those navigating Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Burnout, and Therapy for People-Pleasing. If you find yourself caught in these cycles, I’m here to offer compassionate, personalized care to help you untangle these patterns. Together, we can create a space for self-discovery, healing, and building a life where you can find balance, confidence, and freedom from these overwhelming pressures.