The Perfectionist’s Guide to Grieving: Why There’s No “Right” Way to Mourn a Loss
This week’s blog is a guest feature by Natalie Greenberg, LCSW, a Grief Specialist based in NYC. At first glance, “Grief and Perfectionism” may seem like an unlikely duo, but for those who strive for control and achievement, loss can be particularly disorienting. In this post, Natalie explores how perfectionism shapes the grieving process and provides tips on how we can approach loss with more self-compassion and acceptance.
You probably already have a picture in your mind of what grieving is “supposed” to look like. You go through the motions, check off a list of tasks, and eventually time heals all wounds. Perhaps this isn’t your first experience with loss and you’re familiar with the so-called “stages of grief” (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance), and you assume you’ll follow them in order, neatly moving from one to the next until you reach closure. As a perfectionist, you’re probably an expert in paperwork, logistics, and bureaucracy. If you’re next of kin, your mind is already filled with checklists–notifying family, planning a memorial, handling legal documents. It’s easy to assume that grief, like everything else in life, should be handled efficiently and in an orderly fashion. For many, therapy for perfectionists can be a supportive space to explore how perfectionism shapes the way we experience and respond to loss—even during grief.
The Illusion of the Grief Timeline
Having rigid expectations about how grief is “supposed” to unfold sets you up for frustration. Grief doesn’t follow a script, and despite the widespread belief in a predictable sequence of emotional stages, research has debunked the idea that grief follows a fixed order or that everyone experiences grief in the same way. Some people never feel anger. Others move in and out of sadness and acceptance multiple times. There is no singular path, only what feels true for you in the moment.
This unpredictability can be unsettling for perfectionists who thrive on structure and rules. If you believe that there is a "correct" way to grieve, you might judge yourself harshly for not feeling the “right” emotions at the “right” time. You might wonder, Why am I not crying enough? Why do I feel okay one day and devastated the next? Shouldn’t I be further along by now? But grief resists measurement. It is not a problem to be solved or a project to be completed.
Perfectionism and the Need for Control
If you tend toward perfectionism, you may get caught up in the details: planning, organizing, making sure everything is in order. You might take on the role of the responsible one, keeping it together for others while neglecting your own emotions. Sometimes, staying busy with tasks creates the illusion of processing grief when, in reality, it acts as a distraction from truly feeling your loss.
Perhaps you even “pre-grieved” a loved one’s death, either because they had a long illness or because your anxiety led you to prepare for the worst. It may seem like you’re actively grieving because you’re involved in the logistics, but to truly feel your loss, you need to pause. It’s difficult to be vulnerable when you’re focused on ticking boxes.
I’ll never forget when my paternal grandfather entered hospice care. My grandmother, a self-proclaimed perfectionist, often recounts her childhood disappointment at receiving a 99% on an assignment because she “lost that one point.” When my grandfather was nearing the end of his life, I checked in with her frequently, hoping to offer comfort. The night before he died, she told me she was busy canceling his credit cards. Despite knowing her husband was in his final hours, she was focused on her to-do list–a way to create order in a situation where she had none. Perfectionism is, at its core, an attempt to control the uncontrollable. And death is the ultimate loss of control. A therapist for perfectionism can help you gently challenge the belief that staying productive is the only way to cope.
Work, Productivity, and the Grief Paradox
For high achievers, grief can feel especially disruptive. Work is where you shine. You’re relied upon, valued, and competent. Taking time off may feel unnatural – even indulgent. But suppressing grief for the sake of productivity is not sustainable. If you push down your emotions long enough, they will eventually demand attention, often in unexpected ways.
Taking bereavement days may feel uncomfortable if you’re used to powering through, but allowing yourself time to process can prevent long-term emotional burnout. When you return to work, know that it’s okay to take breaks. Grief is exhausting, and even if work serves as a helpful distraction, your capacity may not be the same for a while.
Letting Go of the Grief Rules
There is no gold star for grieving well. There is no test to pass. Grieving imperfectly is still grieving. Some days, you might feel strong. Other days, you might feel completely unraveled. You might experience relief, guilt, anger, numbness–sometimes all in the same afternoon. None of these emotions mean you are doing it wrong.
Perfectionists often hold themselves to impossible standards, even in grief. But mourning isn’t about performance; it’s about feeling. And feelings are messy, nonlinear, and deeply personal.
If you recognize yourself in this struggle, I invite you to pause. Instead of asking, Am I grieving correctly? try asking, Am I giving myself permission to grieve in the way that I need? Because however you are grieving, in all its complexity and contradiction, you are doing it right.
Looking for a Way Through Grief and Perfectionism? Therapy for Perfectionists in New York Can Help.
Grief doesn’t follow a checklist—and trying to “get it right” can make the process even more isolating. If you’re an anxious perfectionist navigating loss, you might find yourself stuck in the logistics, overthinking your emotions, or wondering if you’re grieving the “right” way. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and therapist for perfectionism in New York, I work with clients to gently unpack the pressure to hold it all together, especially in the face of loss. Therapy for perfectionists in New York can be a space to soften your inner expectations, honor your emotions, and find your own rhythm in the grieving process. If you’re ready to let go of the need to perform your grief and start showing up for yourself with compassion, let’s talk.
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You don’t have to carry this alone—grief is human, and you deserve support through it.
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connection Counseling
Grief has a way of unraveling the sense of control that perfectionists often rely on, and when you’re already navigating anxiety, burnout, or people-pleasing? That unraveling can feel even more disorienting. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you have to “grieve the right way” or hold it all together for everyone else. But healing doesn’t happen through performance,it happens through permission. That’s why I offer more than just Therapy for Perfectionists. I also provide Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Burnout, and Therapy for People-Pleasing to help you understand how these patterns shape your experience of loss, and gently make space for your own needs, too. If you’re feeling stretched thin by grief, expectations, and everything in between, therapy can be a place to slow down and reconnect with yourself—no checklist required.
About the Author
Natalie Greenberg, LCSW, is a dedicated grief therapist based in New York City, specializing in helping young adults navigate the complexities of loss. After experiencing the profound impact of her mother's death by suicide at 23, Natalie found healing through therapy and support groups, inspiring her to guide others through their unique grief journeys. She earned her Master's in Social Work from New York University and holds a post-master's certificate in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. With over a decade of professional experience, including roles at Bellevue Hospital's Psychiatric Emergency Room, Mount Sinai Hospital's leadership team and New York University’s Student Health Center, Natalie brings a wealth of knowledge, empathy and humor to her practice. She currently offers virtual therapy sessions, providing accessible support to clients throughout New York.